Born baby has only two ways to respond - a pleasure when he sit, it comfortably and warmly, and displeasure when he is hungry, he was scared, hurt or cold. Excitement is expressed to others in the form of smiles, joyful goo, calm or sleep quietly. His displeasure same baby was in the form of weeping, shouting, buck, at a later age - in the form of biting, soil, refraining from eating, and later appeared protests reaction to the destruction of what he considers valuable to the abuser. For others it may sometimes seem like motivational aggression, which often leads parents blush and feel a mixture of feelings of shame, confusion and fear in the face of aggressive behavior by their sons, which in turn pushes parents to establish the child’s ban on the expression of aggression. The desire of parents to prevent aggressive behavior in the child also dictated and social requirements. There are unpleasant to listen to complaints from educators, teacher or coach to destructive behavior son or daughter! The first reaction of parents tend to become a reproach or punish the child in order to teach him that can not be so. Unfortunately, it rarely leads to problems because the sight of missing the most important thing, namely that a child like this show, as he reported that way. Let us try to understand that mean these aggressive acts and then, to understand the reasons become much clearer what to do.

To begin with, the child masters the language very slowly and gradually in the first place he describes as objects which saw then what they can do, and only as a last resort, he learns of the existence of things not represented in meaningful peace. The same applies to his senses. Moreover, the link between the events of the child learns only from experience. However, not every adult care could say with precision what sense and why it is. Even harder to understand the feelings of a child who was not yet possible for them to say, but only able to express in any action. Therefore, to understand why a child bitten in the ear of neighborly boy or broken toy from the girl from a kindergarten, must learn to decipher behavioral «language» Child.

First, do not give view of the aggressive manifestations of his child, write off the fact that it provoked some of the others, proving that he lives in quiet and gentle. It is necessary to part with the illusion that your child is not capable of aggressive behavior. Every child instinctively can show aggression when he feels a threat to yourself or to your favorite sites, whether people live or plush bear or when encroached on its territory.
The most common case - when the child is too irritating to the innocuous, seemingly incentives (appeal to him one of the children or adults, claim anything to do involuntary touch or simple inattention), linked with a sense of insecurity. This is a basic sense, which formed a child from birth and linked to an image of the outside world aired mother to her child. Imagine a simple example, when the child appears to light when his mother is going through personal drama, is in distress for their own, and hence its future is despair and melancholy. The Kid, for which there are no division between I and not-I, filled with the same feelings, and his first experience of interaction with the environment he said that there is not safe here a lot of pain and unpredictability, anyone can be harmful. In the future, it turns into distrust of all and everything for him now, any demonstration outside could mean an attack. Fear and anxiety that a child is in contact with others, leading to what any signal is interpreted them as the implementation of the worst fears. Aggressive outbreaks among these children are very surprising and incomprehensible and frightening sometimes even adults who, trying to cope with such an uncontrollable child, their actions often only deepens the fear and a child can go to the quarters. Unfortunately, in practice, I have to very often confronted with such cases where the cause came to a psychologist are complaints from teachers and a desire to schools, particularly elite, to get rid of the child.

Very often, for such a child in school or Kindergarten lays down the stigma; child, the feeling is related to themselves, beginning to worry even more, because he did not understand what is happening under the force. In high school, where the load on the psyche child grows, their fear is often prevents him learn, though, as a rule, these kids are very intelligent and capable, and can often outpace their peers in intellectual development.

For example, complaints about Andrew 8 years focused on the fact that he is not interested in learning, prevents other children to learn, constantly fight, which is not considered with those before him, he can beat his feet and even classmates, girls, teachers and even his own mother. By the time I met him, he was left in the second year, his sit one at the last shipment, where it can deal with anything, getting to deuce for the unperformed work. The picture is rather appalling, is not it? When parsing the details revealed that the largest outbreak of aggression was in a situation where he tried to make the vaccine. Scared of his resistance to health workers and teachers led to my mother that he beat and kicked, trying to escape. I Did it harm the mother? - None. Did I hurt medical staff? - No, too. Thus behaves people to death funky, drive into a cage of their persecutors from whom he tries to defend every possible way. So behave beast, crocked predator. This instinctive defense. For the boy all his entourage equated to the threat. His early development was not cloudless, after the birth of his mother was in serious condition and was not able to take care of him, his family moved often, his father and mother constantly scandals. Who in his life he could have confidence? Certainly not the one who is trying to prick his syringes, causing pain. When the inside is dominated by fear, the man is not logical analysis. This applies not only children but also adults. The basis of many mental disorders is so inexplicable fear, which can not cope rational way. In such cases, help is only a qualified specialist.
Well, what to do when the problem is solvable think independently, or as preventive measures? To begin to understand, whether aggressive outbreak your child with an inner sense of threat. To do this, try to talk to him. But do not be busily ask that he feels - it most likely frighten off child from a conversation with you. If you realize that he was afraid, just tell him about it, calling his alleged sense: «Are you afraid of …» or «You are frightened …», giving him the opportunity to verbally splash their feelings. Such a translation of action in the words of his senses allow him to know that they can speak, and not necessarily just give in the eye. Also, the child is gradually mastering the language of their feelings and it will be easier for you to say that he had a grudge, upset, angry, etc., rather than trying to draw attention to their «terrible» behavior. The only than that must not be abused, it is certain that the adult knows better, that is small. Adults can only assume, based on its experience, on introspection, on the observation of the environment, which means the child’s behavior. The child must be an active narrator of his inner world, grown only asked for such a possibility and provides funds.

It is important and the ability to listen, because the child has something to tell their parents, and parents can learn a lot of interesting things about what is happening in the soul of their «unreasonable» child.

If a child is so scared that no longer handles those before him, friend or foe, the best that can stop it - embrace constraints. Stood his kicking, biting you’ll find it tail away and calm. Every time this will happen faster and causing less damage. Such embrace perform several important functions: to the child, this means that you are able to withstand its aggression and, consequently, his aggression can be contained and he did not destroy that love, a child gradually master deterrent capability and could make it inside and thus control its aggression itself. Later, when he was satisfied, you can talk to him about his feelings. But in no case should not read father at such talk, just let understand that they are ready to listen to him when he was ill.

Another frequent violent outbreaks among children - is a clash with the failure of its needs or desires. Every human being, including children, the most important need is a need for love. The child must feel that his love and cherish, and love is always of course, such as it is at this moment in the independence of whether or not he did what parents want from him. When child irresolutely in an absolute love of their parents, he is suffering, and each time provoking them to conduct, which confirms its assumption on their unlove. Often, such provocations are kind of difficult or endless desires. It is the denial of the desired child immediately understands well that no one likes and he does not want. It certainly frightening anger. After all, the child likes and does not wish to sincerely admit that his love unreciprocated. On the other hand, does not solve the problem and the implementation of any whim of your sons, because it certainly could appear over and over again, for example, when he will face a neglect of his experiences. To avoid such a distorted interaction is sincere talk about the child that you love.

I would like to focus on the word «sincerely» - the child is able to capture the differences of words and your feelings, and this would conflict in his soul, which can lead to what he stops you to believe. Ignoring this need, a child or a creature of his doubts in this regard affects the entire mental life and finds its expression in adult life. One man, to call me already being close to retirement age, spoke about the emotional wound that does not sew to date: almost from birth, he raised a grandmother to grandfather to father, then gave it to five days. Even then, staying in doubt, he asked his mother takes, whether it likes it, which is never answered. Or another example, when my mother, whose daughter asked whether she needed it, responds: You do me one, that’s if you were 10, then a longer one less - a difference.

A child who is satisfied that it is not love, and worse still, that his hate, decides what is already worse and can not be and therefore become capable of everything. He did not need to feel that he might lose the object of love. Why would he the one who does not love him? It may be hardened, can begin to take revenge. At that built many of thriller maniacal-killers, where rummage in his past, find oppressed, despised, humiliating the child.

If your spiritual mood does not allow you to utter words of love, your thoughts are employed than someone else or you have a complete problems, suffice it to say about this child. Imagine this situation: you come from work, tired from work nervous, and the child stick to play with him. Before reading further, remember its usual reaction. I do not know whether it would differ from that which I invite you, but the first thing is to do - is to understand your child that you hear it, you can do so by simply repeating his request, for example: «You want me to You play ». Then let that happen to you and that prevents you carry out his desire: «I would be happy to play with you, but I had so much work that I just feel sad», further, you can add that does not contradict your spiritual feeling, for example: «I love you, but today I would like to see you play one». This may sound in another way, it is important to your real feelings rather than the message on the model. Something similar could be said, when you can not buy what the child is asked: «Do you want this toy, I understand it this, and Clod from the second entrance, it is (please, that you are aware of the problems of the child), but now I can not buy it, because I have not enough money, and you are probably very disappointed ». Believe me, if your refusal will be accompanied by such a message, the easier it will be his child to survive, but you will be spared the attention and comments from curious passersby or other visitors to the store.

Also, aggressive behavior a child may be linked to the need to defend themselves. Appearing on the light, the child begins to hold its special place in this world and to accumulate that something. It is understood that there is and I have mine. The child must be clear about where the border between my and others’. It is best that a child had his room that he could fill that belongs only to him. Not every family has an opportunity to highlight the child a separate room, but to be a child must be your corner, preferably enclosures through walls or screens and their own bed. He must know that its borders respected and do not violate without his knowledge. Similarly, he has a right to their feelings and thoughts he may have a «private», which expands as a child growing up. They may very vigorously respond to the violation of its borders, both external and internal. Parents who sincerely believe that much of someone who, as their secrets with their child should not be the most private perpetrators of these borders. In fact, the first boundary child builds it from them, and even then from the outside environment. And this is not an expression of disrespect or distrust their parents, it is simply necessary stage of development, because the child is born fully independent and its future challenge - able to build a life in which he will be able to act independently and make independent decisions. Of course, not every parent wants a child and grew so fast away from him, because that early sense of unity filled with infinite tenderness and joy of creation. Unlike art, where the product has always belonged to the author and subject, we’ve created a child to be a fair and equal human beings. It is the most important periods when the child does this: it is 2 years, starting school and adolescence. During these periods, children are particularly responsive to the introduction of their life that finds expression in protest reactions. Wisdom of experience, parents, raised not the first child is already well aware of these periods and are able to establish a comfortable boundary between acceptable protest and reactions are not acceptable. If you impose very strict prohibitions, the child is likely to break them out, in secret from parents, feeling this way their triumph.

Providing a complete indulgence and freedom - a child feels abandoned and unnecessary, since excessive freedom amounts to a neglect of it. Then some restrictions are necessary to ensure that the child is able to develop the internal moral standards that they can guide later in life. Roll in one or the other way can lead to aggression, because in both cases there was a threat to its own I AM.

Those few examples are far from exhaustive analysis of the causes of aggressive, but can move closer to the feelings with which a child can not cope because they throw out at others. Therefore, the first thing around must demonstrate a child - is that they are able to cope with them. Seeing this, the child begins himself to feel more confident. The second challenge adults, the admission of feelings the child and his or her rights to them. The prohibition or forceful repression of aggressive impulses children very often can lead to aggress (would cause harm to himself) or go to psychosomatic disorders. Finally, it is to teach the child to express their socially acceptable way: the word or picture molding, or using toys, or actions are harmless to others in sport. After all aggression - it is also a great power which can be a source of energy for more constructive purposes.